What's Up?!
Looking Back
By Larry Shapiro
Larry ShapiroIt’s hard to believe we’ve being hanging out together for almost ten years but we have. During that time I’ve tried to cover a lot of topics dealing with aviation or it least close to the subject. My favorite thing and I hope yours was that I tried to deal with some serious subjects using as much humor as I could without being sent to my room by the In Flight staff and publisher. Trust me on this, it hasn’t been easy for them; there have been many times I almost broke my leash.
I have never meant to hurt or embarrass anyone. Okay, maybe one or two, but only in fun. Of course there have been many subjects that have been too serious to play with. As the end of 2010 comes to a close I would like to share some love, joy and a-whole-lot-learned wisdom with you.
T’is the season to be giving: my gifts to you are some words to live by. I remember as a child being asked what was the most valuable thing in the world. The answer was very confusing to a ten year old, actually I was eight but I lied about my age. The answer wasn’t really known to me until I was a senior pilot and a grandfather. You see my friends the answer to that question was “your health!” I wish I knew a few years ago what I know now.
From my heart to all of you please hear these words, I would really like to save a few lives and I’d like one of those lives to be yours.
We go to see our FAA M.E. because the FAA says we have to. I guess it’s one of the few things I appreciate them for. Think about this: even your airplane has an annual inspection and has its oil changed but what about you. Hopefully these words will get to your ears and then into your head.
Some of you may know I’ve had some health issues these past 12 or so months. Of course with my sense of humor I laughed at them because I’m invincible even though I can’t leap over tall building – I have, however, flown over a few.
I hope in 2011 you’ll get yourself an “annual.” Check your compression and make sure your hitting on all cylinders. Don’t wait until you need a new engine, get your oil analyzed and make sure your tires have some wear left on them.
Healthy Hints!
There are many suggestions I could share with you but I picked those I thought were the most palatable. If you would like the complete list please feel free to drop me a note and I‘ll send it to you.
Here are just a few of those lifesavers I felt you might want to hear.
Headaches:
They are common when traveling by air. The longer the flights, the more common are the headaches. Here are some helpful hints to limit them; try to maintain your usual eating and seeping schedule; try to avoid alcoholic beverages and smoking; drinking water and juices will help; carry earplugs to reduce noise in a spam can or those kerosene burners; and put a blanket under your feet to reduce vibration.
I’ll avoid subjects like oxygen, dry air, etc. Here’s a helpful hint: try breathing through a wet towel over your face. Wait, I forgot there are no more towels; better bring your own. If your headache gets too severe ask for some ice. I think you can still get that without a surcharge.
Sunburn:
Come on, by now you’ve heard 100 reasons and solutions to this menacing cancer enhancer. Now, even whales are said to be getting sun burnt. So, aspirin, the old stand by pain therapy, is good to keep on hand. Of course, you must cover the kids. The list of how to protect your self starts with what to wear, eat and drink plus all the SPF numbers in sunscreens. If I try to cover this subject completely, we’ll be well into a 2011 issue of In Flight USA. I thought it would be funny to discuss sunburn a little in December.
I want very badly to cover back problems, insect bites, medications, drinking water, and my favorite, hotel rooms.
And finally, well almost finally
For those of you who have been “21” a few times you probably remember, “All I want for Christmas are my two front teeth.” For those of you that haven’t heard that, ask someone who has. So what’s my point?
For years I’ve talked about my kids! Not the ones who borrow money from me and also leave a mess in the bathroom. I’m referring to those kids 50 to 55 years old. Most of you have seen them hanging on to the airport fences from the other side, or, you’ve heard them in the local airport eateries telling their friends about the flying lesson they took 25 years ago. That’s one of the most common songs I hear sung over and over again.
That’s followed by, I wish I had gotten my license, but I got married, had some kids, and before I knew it I was paying for college and there was no money left for me. Attention on deck! The kids are gone, the seniors have graduated, two of them got married, and the 24-year-old is threatening to come home until he gets on his or her feet. There’s no doubt in my mind that getting on your feet is much easier if you get your bottom off the couch and head for the world outside.
Now that that chapter is closed, it’s your turn. Don’t be one of those who spend the rest of your life wishing you had fulfilled your wish and climbed into one of today’s great trainers and got that elusive “ticket.” BTW Mom, this goes for you too. I’ve always said that I feel woman make better pilots that men.
Please, no hate mail and don’t make justify that statement, but if I have too I can and I will. Before I forget, if you haven’t see at least one of those stories in your local “Fish Wraps” or on a slow news night about someone 110 years old that just made their first skydiving jump, or got their pilots license, then you aren’t reading enough and probably don’t watch the evening news on your 50-inch TV. OK, OK, so they’re not a 110, but they will be one day soon and those of you who didn’t join them will still be hanging on to that darn fence.
So here’s my thought for season: instead of a giving a gift certificate for the Bass Pro-Shop or a round of golf for four at one of those expensive golf courses, which of course includes a fancy golf cart so they don’t have to get any exercise, instead get them a gift certificate for an intro flying lesson.
Wrap the certificate in a long white silk scarf with a pair of aviator Sunglasses inside. Now step out in the cold winter sunlight and take a big bow and yell: Yes!
Now that we’ve talked about the happy shopper, let me share one that isn’t as happy.
Professional Shoppers
Now that we have the entered the holiday of happy retail shopping, let me share one that isn’t quiet as much fun. I call these folks the Professional Shoppers.
I remember as a dude, I was a professional shopper. Actually it was more of a hobby and it had to do with girls. The same foolishness takes place a few times a year within the aviation world. Eventually those time-wasting shoppers become known in the small community of general aviation. It’s there “hobby” to shop for airplanes.
Here’s their M.O. The first communication arrives via email, never snail mail. Then the calls begin along with the hunt. Quickly you can identify the hunter. In most cases they are retired dudes, usually from an airline.
There in lies one of the problems, they can be very mobile and while at the same time be very cheap, especially the retired ones that can still fly for free. Of course that’s another misnomer, there is no such thing as a free lunch and while the airplane ride might be on a pass, the rental car, food, and sometime a room tends to get pricy.
I’ve always had these words of advice to all shoppers; don’t go more than a 1,000 miles for your X-Plane. There’s dozens of them within 1,000 miles of where I’m standing. I say where I’m standing because I don’t know where the hunter is standing.
There are exceptions to my rule, and remember, I’m writing this so I can make up my own rules. So, then, the exception to my rules is when the hunt is for an exotic or vintage aircraft. Also, if the price tag is over a million smack-a-roonies, then that might be an exception. So, as I regress again, (I still have that bad habit, I need to work on that.) Here’s a case and point:
First the phone call, then little if any information is given because this is part of the hunters game. Also, most of them think I’m a mind reader and they also want me to think we’re old friends, or they met me at an airshow. Keep in mind that each step is aimed at getting what they want in their dreams for as few dollars as possible.
We then move on to the fact that there is no perfect airplane in the species they are pursuing. After all, if the animal you’re hunting is more than 50 years old, one would expect some wear and tear, some bumps here and there, and instrumentation that is as old as your mother-n-law unless she’s had a face lift, which means if it has an up-dated panel.
Now we wallow through the standard, out of the book, questions like; Is there any damage history, has it ever been ground looped? What about hail damage? Might as well ask if it’s been to the moon.
So our hobbyist, the one that really enjoys the hunt, but never the success, continues to make calls, sends emails, and flies 25,000 boring miles looking at a dozen or more of these exotic planes. Every one of them had a problem, too many to list, but then it doesn’t really matter since this hunt is a game anyway and the hunter is usually too old to carry his own gun. One more thing, they always start off as your best friend as the hunt continues on, they become crotchety old men. I’d be that way too if I’d just spent six or more months looking for the perfect airplane.
BTW, on occasion they will send in their reserves to scout the area and see if they can shell the field with some big cannons just to impress the seller and then report back to the hunter. They always ask questions that have nothing to do with anything relevant, but then, they usually don’t know what they’re doing in the first place. I especially love those hunters who change the subject and get into a discussion on sales tax and how to get around it. Here’s a way to get around it: go home and buy a fishing pole.
Without exaggerating, if I’d said it once I’ve said this it a million times: there is no 100 percent perfect airplane! You hope for 80 percent and usually buy one at 70 percent. Paint and interior are the cheapest upgrade on an airplane. The panel up-grade is a little pricier. So, what’s the point here? Heck, I’ve rambled on so long, I’ve already forgotten.
One of a few final words on this subject; when the hunter starts getting close to the catch, he then tries to get his guide/broker off the safari. He figures he’ll get a ”better” deal, so he shoots the broker, which is as close as he gets to any success. Later, after the brokers funeral, he realizes that he now needs the dearly departed to help him cheat on the tax consequences on his make believe purchase.
One more thing, “Hey, the broker croaked! Now I can go right to the seller and make a better deal, after the broker is buried of course.” Finally, the word spreads throughout the “land,” friends of the hunter reinforce that the retired hunter will never buy, but will continue on the hunt because he can’t play golf, he has few of any friends left, mostly because they’re dead, or are faking it so he’ll leave them alone.
This behavior continues right on to G-d’s little waiting room, the one where this great hunter tells the nurses about the airplanes he almost bought. I hope you paid attention to the above history lesson; some of these questions will be on the final!
The meaning of the holiday season!
Things have changed over the past 60 years that I’ve been wearing long pants. Merry Christmas was the saying of the season. Then a few of us got brave and uttered the words, Happy Hanukah. That was followed by or with, Huh? So far so good except, now we are aware and celebrate Kwanza. Now please, do me a favor, I know I probably missed one or two other holiday celebrations. Please feel free to send me a message so I will know which ones I missed. In the subject line of your email please put, “Hey Stupid!” As my gift to you I will reply with a really humble response and beg for your forgiveness.
Strike One and Ball 44
Now here’s something most of you won’t buy, but it’s true. Last month I sent my best wife to Texas so she could celebrate our Grandson’s first Birthday with his Mom and Dad. Needless to say the thought of the Giants and those there Texas Rangers playing in the World Series, was the furthest thing from our minds. However, experiencing 11 walks was a first for me and so was a nine-zip shutout. Okay, there I go again regressing, so here’s the rest of the story.
My wife left our time zone on the Giant’s travel day. I guess she wanted to spruce up Dallas before they got there. If any of you were in the Bay area around the 28th and 29th, you probably know you had to get a second mortgage on your house to afford a ticket to any of the World Series games here. I heard some fans were flying in from far away places just to have garlic fries and buy some really expensive Giants garb.
On the flip side, a plethora of fans jumped on one of those big airplanes and flew to Texas because they could get seats for the game and actually pay for them without taking out a bank loan. Hang on, here comes the big finish; so, here’s Kimberly stuck in Krum, Texas, just outside of Dallas on a world series weekend knowing that there was every possibility that the Giants could win the whole enchilada on Sunday. The frosting on her garlic fries was that our son-in-law was part of the opening ceremony and had the privilege of having part of his family join him. Isn’t family grand?
That yelling you hear in the background is my 24-year-old Giants fanatic son jumping off his new SF apartment balcony when he heard where his mother was. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to pay homage to a fine single 24-year-old who wasn’t at that game. His doctor and the attending mortician said there was a good chance he would walk again, but not talk to his mother.
Our Troops! ! !
I never get tired of asking you all to join me and my family at that time when you’re sitting around your holiday table expressing your thanks to have so many of your family safe and at home with you. When you thank the lord of your choice be sure to include a few words for our troops.
I’d like to end my last column of 2010 with some borrowed words from Paul Simon when he sang:
When you need a friend I will comfort you.
I will take your part when darkness comes,
And pain is all around …
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Happy New Year Everyone!
That’s Thirty!
“Over”
